Folks are Funny

People say the darndest things. Total strangers suddenly share their grandmother’s recipe for throat-soothing lemon-honey-brandy tea. Everybody in a room starts to whisper like me... are we all telling secrets? And I get asked the strangest questions. Here are a few of my favorites, along with my real (and imaginary) responses:

Do you have laryngitis?

What I say: No. Only one of my vocal cords works. The other one is paralyzed. That’s why I sound like this.

What I think: Don’t worry! You’re not going to catch this, I’m not contagious.

Your voice sounds kind of sexy.

What I say: Thank you, I think.

What I think: Sexy? Are you kidding me? Stick around a few minutes... you’ll hear me run out of air, bark, wheeze, and make that weird gargling noise. Then tell me I’m sexy. Thank you.

Does it hurt to talk?

What I say: Not at all.

What I think: There’s no pain, but I’m hyperventilating like crazy... it takes me five times as much air to say “not at all” as it takes you. Also, I really miss my voice. I’m sometimes sad, and not the same person I used to be. My feelings are complicated.
But no, it doesn’t hurt.

Why don’t you just speak up?

What I say: I can’t speak any louder than this.

What I think: What kind of question is that? Do you ask amputees why they don’t just grow another limb? I would love to be able to speak louder... but I can’t.

My sister/cousin/boss/brother-in-law had that and they cured it with tea/acupuncture/yoga.

What I say: That’s great!

What I think: First of all, are you sure your sister/cousin/boss/brother-in-law actually had vocal fold paralysis? And second, of course I’ve tried tea/acupuncture/yoga. As well as a lot of other things, from massage to therapy to surgery. Your question implies that I’m too stupid or lazy to heal myself... and I find that deeply offensive. Go away.

What?

What I say: Sorry! I have a vocal disability, and I speak very softly. If you’re having trouble hearing me, just ask me to repeat.

What I think: Sorry! I have a vocal disability, and I speak very softly. If you’re having trouble hearing me, just ask me to repeat.

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Lolcats like this one kept me laughing
while I recovered from surgery.

This outspoken T-shirt and others by graphic artist Ricky Buchanan are are available at NoPity.com

One of the world's great voices belonged to Mel Blanc, who gave the Warner Brothers cartoon charactars their, well, character. Here's an interview with Johnny Carson, and here you can see the inner workings of those world famous vocal cords.